breadcrumbs

I am tossing breadcrumbs

Marking my path so I don’t get lost.

This forest is massively huge

Tree after tree, rock after rock.

Following that magical sound,

The only thing on my mind,

I cannot place the source

It is a one-of-a-kind.

I hear it above the birds in the trees

Watching me, singing their own melody.

I hear it above the river’s water

Filled with fish, rushing by next to me.

As I draw closer to the music,

That beautifully tragic song,

Is that a voice I hear?

The musician is singing along!

The deep, sultry voice

Takes me by surprise.

I can almost decipher the words

But the sound dies.

________________________________

I stop dead in my tracks,

Silence so loud its deafening.

My ears strain to hear

Something, anything.

The drive to find that voice

Gives way to tears and fear,

My heart starts racing

As I try to get out of here.

I turn to see my path,

My breadcrumbs on the ground,

And quickly follow the way

Away from the sound.

As I near the edge of the forest

Memories of the music flood in,

The song that broke my heart

And came to a sudden end.

I start to wonder about the voice

And the singer behind,

Another beauty like that

I was sure I could not find.

Were they still there

Waiting for someone to come around?

Were they singing a song

Hoping to finally be found?

_____________________________________

I attempt to stir up courage

By taking a deep breath

While looking, while thinking

Of the forest’s depths,

The song I heard before,

The singer I wish I knew.

How many others have been here?

Who else heard the muse?

Gathering my thoughts

I look down at my trail,

One step, and another

Praying that I do not fail.

_____________________________________

The sound of footsteps echoes

In my ears, in rhythm with my breaths,

My heart is racing, my mind is reeling

With thoughts of failure or death.

The darkness of the forest

Begins to over-power me,

I stop and turn my ears

To hear the voice that sings.

The sound is light and airy

Coming from far away,

I start walking again

Knowing I cannot stay.

Walking again, keeping

My sounds at a low

I hear another person

Making sounds I know.

The other person’s footsteps

Are nearing my own,

I stop making progress

Not wanting to be known.

_____________________________________

I hear the other person

Drawing ever closer to me,

Footsteps I can hear and

A body outline I can see.

I stay as still as I can manage,

The idea of being found

Scares me beyond reason,

And I try not to make a sound.

I want to be alone in my quest.

I want to be the only one.

I want to be alone in my journey.

I have only begun.

poem

words fail at expressing
anything and everything
I am left sitting here
watching
waiting
wondering
and for a moment
I’m not scared
or worried at all
I know everything
will work out
in the end

but I can’t keep holding on
to a fleeting emotion
and I can’t keep wondering
if any of this is true

is it asking too much
to be a source of happiness
for you?
I want so badly to give back
that warm feeling,
I want you to ache for it
I want you to want me
my whole self, not just my body
but my mind, my heart, my thoughts
I want you to get something out of this

that insecurity I feel
is not at all about loyalty,
trust, jealousy or stability
it is all about you
and what you get from this
it is about not feeling
like I add anything to you
like I give anything to you
my only real fear
is that you will find happiness
with someone else

i see…

tears. The tears of people I’ve become close to. The tears of friends and family as we part. The tears of goodbye.

growth. The kids don’t need me here. The friends don’t need me here. I don’t need me here.

pain. Leaving a hole for a short time. Missing out on major life changes. Parting for good.

happiness. Going where I want to go. Doing what I want to do. Being who I really am.

Seas

I see a sea of cars.
I see waves of faces.
I see a mountain of obstacles.

…I see the way out.

(none)

the path I see and choose

Everything is leading up to it.
That sounds and looks so familiar. I wrote that same sentence not even a year ago. Completely different goal this time around though. One that no one believes I should aim for. I want it. I want it so much, it hurts.
I never saw myself as growing old in this place, these times, these people were not supposed to be around.
I never saw myself as one who would be here long. I couldn’t fathom living here for good. It’s just not in me.
I see myself as belonging somewhere else. I see living somewhere else. I see leaving this place for good.

And that is all I see.

A new beginning…

A new site, a new name, a new thought pathway.